Then Came Autumn

You called me out of the dead of winter
And melted the ice that trapped my heart
Freedom came as winter's walls fell down
From death to life, You gave a new start

Then came spring...

Lying in the green grass full of Your love
You started speaking of Your plans for me
The Word took root and began to bloom
Your beauty was all my eyes could see

Then came summer...

Heat came, threatening to scorch my faith

But you planted me near the river's cool flow
Your fruit was sweet through all the toil
Ever growing, I left behind all I used to know

Then came autumn...

Beautiful colors began to surround me
The breeze refreshed my tired, weary soul
Your joy and peace filled up my heart
Never had I felt more full, more whole

Then the first leaf fell from my branches
I gasp in horror as it floated to the ground
Soon all I had worked for was dead and gone
I clutched tightly to what was left to be found

My child, this is the season for death
Your pulled me close and gently said
It is time to show you beauty in sacrifice
Please Lord please, any other way! I pled

Child the fruit that falls will soon be seeds
Deeper in the ground they will fall and stay
Until I make them grow into something new
Death for you will make much life one day

Then I looked deep into His eyes and knew
I truly longed to do His will with my last breath
So I opened up my arms freely and let it all fall
Finally, I could see the sweet beauty in death

So came autumn...

O heart, O heart

O heart, O heart I am sick of you.
Why must you torment me this night?
Give up, surrender, and let me go;
Stop this awful, unending fight.
You know you cannot even have
This thing for which you long.
Listen to wisdom and be still;
Don’t yield to this desire so strong.

O Lord, O Lord, I give you this heart
With all its hopes, and dreams.
I will do what you will in my life
No matter how hard it seems.
You know my true thought and intents;
You see to my innermost core.
My every impurity is exposed
And I can’t stand here any more.

O Love, O Love, You are all I need;
You bring the fulfillment I crave.
My heart says I need something else,
But all my love for you I save.
This is my precious sacrifice;
I pour my treasure store for You
Though I want to hold on to the desire
I give it to You to break and make new

O heart, O Lord, O Love, 
This is my only plea:
Take away every wrong desire
And replace it with Thee.

hypocrisy

How can I lift my hands in praise
And then leave them at my side?
Your hands reached out to the lowly
Yours were nailed open wide

How can I read Your Word
And not obey your commands?
You call for radical obedience
Following You has great demands

How can I proclaim I am Yours
And not live like I belong to You?
If I am Your own, Your child
Do I even look I’ve been made new?

How can I say that I follow You
And not daily take up my cross?
You are my example for living
And you said gain is found in loss

How can my heart meet Yours
And not be consumed with Fire?
If I have truly seen You Jesus
How can you not be my one desire?

How can I see the world’s needy
And not be filled with compassion?
Your heart is full of grace and mercy
Why don’t I put Your love into action?

I am so humbled before You Lord
My sins have come to view
Burn away my heart’s hypocrisy
Make me ever more like You

...From here?

I hate waiting.

There, now I've said it. I like to have a plan and stick to it. In preparation for any trip or project, you can guarantee that I have made a checklist and a schedule...at least in my head if not on paper. In highschool and early on in college I used to get extremely annoyed when someone was running late or threw a complication into "my plan." After a few loving rebukes, I have since tried to be more flexible. Even so, I just don't like to be flexible. I like my own way better. I hate waiting - in everyday life and in my relationship with the Lord. Except God is obviously not obligated to follow "Jen's Checklist for How She Wants Her Life to Work Out."

I'm just going to be honest right now. This week has been a struggle. I'm having to let go of some of my dreams and surrender a few steps in my "plan" to the Lord. In my soul there is a deep restlessness. I feel like God has given me these intense passions only to let them lie dormant. I am waiting. Desperation for a life filled with His purpose consumes me. I just don't know what that purpose is specifically. I am learning to be satisfied in Him through the waiting, to be content even when I'm not where I want to be, and to be patient in waiting for His vision.

"For still, the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." -Habbakuk 2:3

...From here?

Spinning, my head is spinning
With so much on my mind
My heart has a deep yearning
But for what, I cannot find

Here, for a season, for a time
Yet I’m eager to move on today
I want adventure, not routine
Some days I just want to run away

I feel You pulling me toward something
But when will Your revelation be near?
What is it that You ask of me now
Where are You leading me from here

…From here?

Something invisible compels me
In my mind there is restlessness
I must know, Lord, I must know
I do not want to wander aimless

I know you have a purpose
For the passion bursting from my veins
What You have started in me
Will be completed, not in vain

I feel You pulling me towards silence
So that Your voice I can hear
Your servants waits on you now
Where are You leading me from here

…From here?